i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
