I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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