What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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