My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I want to be your penis for a week.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
