You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
