Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
