Pants 0. Shit 1.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
