i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
