Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
