he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
