i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
