dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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