you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
