I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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