Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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