So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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