i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
