I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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