Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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