You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
