cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
