Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Randomize
