he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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