dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
