I cannot find my penis.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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