i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
