it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
