I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
