eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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