I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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