Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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