Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
