I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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