my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
