I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
