My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Randomize
