I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
