Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
