oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
