I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize