I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
