Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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