The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I would fuck him just for his dog
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
