Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
