my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
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