That's when you crack a 10am beer
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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