if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
