I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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