god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
