the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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