she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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