i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
