I wish I only lived at night.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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