my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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