So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
