You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
