Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
