She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
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