and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Randomize
