I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
