phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
