My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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